From Fantasy to Reality
Clowning Around to Find Your Real Self

We use the phrase 'Clowning Around' when somebody is being funny or acting silly. Just the word 'Clown' can bring a smile to someone’s face. Emmett Kelly, Clarabelle, Bozo and Lou Jacobs are some of the recognized names in clowning. But people like Red Skelton, Lucille Ball, and Lou Costello were also clowns.

Clowning around doesn’t just belong to the professionals. Allowing the 'Clown' inside ourselves to have a say can change how we look at ourselves, our life and the world around us. Choosing to become a clown brought out a part of me that I didn’t even know existed and redefined my life and the meaning I had given to the events that made up my childhood and early adulthood.

When I was a kid, I was always criticized for trying to be the Fairy Godmother wanting to make everybody happy. 'Get out of your fantasy', they would say, 'That’s not the real world.'

At 12 I tried to put on a production of Cinderella with the neighborhood kids, but when I couldn’t turn the pumpkin into a carriage, I gave up my acting and directing dreams and settled into “getting serious” about life. Secretly though, I never gave up my Fairy Godmother desire to make people happy.

After years of failing at this dream, I worked hard at hanging up my Fairy Godmother role altogether. Thinking that I had finally succeeded in doing so, during a Shaman Journey dream workshop, I was suddenly confronted with the knowledge that “fantasy” was different than “magic” and we could do “magic”!! The Fairy Godmother stirred again.

We were instructed to think of a favorite fairy tale or spiritual story and in the awake dream state, go inside to see how it would apply to us. Immediately I thought of Pinocchio and Cinderella. Wondering what they had in common, I realized that they both had magical life transformations. Pinocchio had the Blue Fairy who made him a real boy and Cinderella had her Fairy Godmother who sent her to the ball and changed her life.

So I asked the dream what I needed to take from these stories – why was I there? I was told that I had to trust the magic in myself. This was very ironic because I had lived in fantasy as a child and young adult and spent much time doing a lot of psychological work getting out of that fantasy.

I even wrote about my experiences in a story I titled, “From Fantasy to Reality, The Fairy Godmother Hoax”. Now they were telling me I needed to go back there again – it wasn’t a hoax. I asked the dream about this twist and was told that there was a difference in fantasy and magic – and now I needed to use my magic.

The Fairy Godmother recognized the wicked step-family but focused on Cinderella’s transformation and how to make that happen. The Blue Fairy knew of the evil Fox and Wolf but focused on transforming Pinocchio into a real boy. Fantasy creates an illusion outside of yourself – magic allows you to turn inward and use your talents creatively.

I am a psychological counselor and for years worked with people realizing that when they were being creative, they were more mentally and emotionally healthy. I wanted to have a Bed & Breakfast where I could provide a safe place for people to explore their creativity on the weekend and during the week I would be a clown. I had already found a place called Angel House where I could do creative workshops and classes so this seemed to be the right time to pursue the rest of my dream and learn how to be a clown.

I checked the Internet and found The Ohio College of Clowning Arts in Hudson Ohio, which was only an hour away from my home. I signed up for classes and when confronted with what kind of character my Clown would be, the first thing that came to mind was my ever-haunting Fairy Godmother. I named her Merlinda (after the great magician Merlin). Her whole name is Merlinda B. Happy (B standing for Bibbity Bobbity Boo).

Writing a characterization for Merlinda turned out to be one of the most important, insightful, life changing events of my life.

We had to write about our characters physical qualities from age to energy level: Environmental Facts including Marriage and family, education, hobbies and geographic location. Intellectual and Emotional makeup was the most interesting and enlightening and Conflict areas was the most difficult.

Being a Psychologist, I knew that everything I wrote was a reflection of me and of course I wanted it all to look good. This understanding created difficulty for me in how to present Merlinda to the world. I wanted her to be a beautiful, flowing Fairy Godmother able to grant wishes and make people happy; but the bungling Cinderella type Fairy Godmother created a more workable character.

After talking with my Clown teacher, we decided that I could use both ideas. Merlinda believes that she is an in charge, flowing, Fairy Godmother who can do magic and make everyone happy. (Exactly what I tried to do as a young child and secretly throughout my life. However my attempts were constantly met with failure.) So, Merlinda then is quite surprised and confused when her magic does not work and she bungles her way along and trips over her feet.

As my character unfolded, I saw this as a way to bring my entire life together. Merlinda allowed me to revisit my childhood and I found her in a way I didn’t even know she existed. As I was writing about Merlinda’s childhood in the characterization, I remembered a little blind girl I used to play with when I was 12 and she was 5. We would sit on the swing together and sing songs like “Give me a Little Kiss Will Ya Huh” and “I Love You a Bushel and a Peck”.

I also thought of an old woman who lived alone and would call me in to play checkers with her when I was on my way home from school. These were people that “Merlinda” in me made happy, so I had not always been a failure.

As I watched Merlinda bungle her way through life and laugh about it, doors opened for me that I had closed and sealed shut with pain and hurt because I felt that I had failed with what I wanted to do. Merlinda jumped out at me and laughed at the bungles and what I thought were failures, releasing the pain allowing me to find the joy and laughter that was hidden inside.

I know that in a very basic way Merlinda is the me that I have always wanted to be. When I let her out; let her breathe and be I am expressing that part of me I often stifle but wish would come out more often. By playing her over and over again, the distance between Carol and Merlinda becomes shorter. I believe someday soon Carol and Merlinda will become identical. What a journey that will be!

Discovering Merlinda in my Clown character allowed me to uncover my real self and see that what I had called failures Merlinda experienced as bungles. Now I could laugh at my own bungling and find the “real” magic that comes from loving yourself. That love then flows out to touch other people which will make them smile and the magic works (just like I always believed).

You cannot make people happy. But if you just be who you are and let your heart light shine, people will be happy when they are with you because they can see your light and feel the love that flows from your heart.

Learning to be a clown makes a wonderful difference in my life and continues to open a joyful, playful, happy place inside me that I can now share with those who come in contact with Merlinda. She tends to jump out whenever she wants to and it is great fun.

So … Bibbity Bobbity Boo!

Carol Dombrose, MA
1985 Bachelors in Psychology, CSU
1987 Masters in Clinical Psychology, CSU
2004 graduate of the Ohio Clown College.

Carol has been a psychological counselor for 20 years, providing group and individual counseling. She is dedicated to helping people use their creativity to move through life’s changes and currently is the Executive Director of Angel House: Center for Art and Creative Life Change where she offers classes in the creative and healing arts.

Clowning Around